The Difference is Amazing

I'm still amazed that I'm having another baby. I can hardly believe it. I mean, we were trying...we made the decision and it happened...right away. So, I shouldn't be surprised right? Yet I still am.

Maybe what's really the most surprising is that I'm so disconnected from this pregnancy. I guess with the first one there was so much anticipation from the start. Everything was brand new and waiting to be experienced. I read every day, I watched those birthing shows, I tracked my progress on line. With this one, from the moment we found out, it already felt like "let's hurry up and wait." But I don't have time to wait. I have too much to keep me busy to even feel like I'm waiting. Too busy to read, my todller hates me to be on the computer...so no progress tracking, and cartoons are definitely more in line with this viewing audience.

It's so strange, every once in a while I'll think, "hey I feel like crap because I'm pregnant"..."oh yeah, that's right I AM pregnant." Then there are the times when Lily wants to use me as a trampoline and I have to deflect her from stomping on my belly and squishing baby. Alex and I don't talk that much about baby. We're generally discussing things like how Lily finally said "all done" after dinner tonight, our holiday plans, etc. Poor little baby.

I DO realize that this will change...this feeling of disconnect. Once I really feel the baby's movements, once I can't go on a two hour road trip without stopping to pee, once I'm nearing the size of a house, once my stupid feet start swelling (my personal favorite...nothing like making a woman who already feels fat feel worse).

It would be nice to be spoiled the same this time around as I was before...I mean I still get the, "babe, let me get that, it's heavy," but the REAL spoiling comes now when daddy takes care of Lily and mommy gets a little break. I can handle that.

I can't wait to feel baby and really start that fabulous connection that I know is waiting there. It'll all become more real too when we find out boy or girl in December. I cried when I found out we were having a girl the first time around...I wonder what will happen this time???

Deep Breaths

I can't remember the last time I was this relaxed. Alex has been home since noon on Friday. We've been taking turns with bug. I've been able to nap and pause to take deep cleansing breaths.

Lily loves it too. She's never given so many kisses. It's too cute...when she gives me one, she has to go to papa and give him one as well. I think I got a total of three today and five yesterday. Which is probably more that the total amount of kisses I've gotten from her since she began giving them. She's been difficult lately, she's very head-strong and starting her tantrum phase, but those kisses melt me and I feel like we can start over fresh. She's also talking amzingly well. She even said "hi momma" and waved to me when I walked in to see how her bath was going last night. That was amazing.

It's been so great to stick around the house while Alex has been off. Most of the time we travel for a vacation, but this staying home was much needed...I feel as if I've had completely new experiences in what is generally such a routine environment for Lily and I. We've gone driving each day, partially to explore and partially to get Lily to sleep. We've discovered and rediscovered new and wonderful coffee shops and we've enjoyed each other more than we have in a long time. It's so easy to become disconnected with so many responsibilities. Tomorrow is the last day off, but it's been so great, I'm looking forward to the next relaxing vacation.

My favorite fire hydrant

Odd but true...the hydrant below was my favorite...before it was replaced that is.



It was fire engine red and in the middle of a park along the bike trail and it shone like a beacon in the middle of the summer. It blended in with the foliage in the fall and it was one of my favorite fire hydrants to photograph. Why photograph fire hydrants? I don't know, there are so many different types...they're just cool. This is what it was replaced with.



It's not completely lacking in character...the hydrant itself is kinda cool, but the yellow posts around it detract from the hydrant and don't make for great photographic subjects. I'm really going to miss the fire engine red one but if this one will help fight fires along the river better, it's a minor sacrifice.

I Reseve the Right

fyi...I revised this post...I originally meant it as more of an affirmation for myself, something to give me strength, courage and encouragement but it came off a little more angry than I meant...so here goes try #2...

From this moment forward, I reserve the right to say NO.

I free myself from feelings of obligation. I free myself from feelings of guilt. Husband, child, family member, friend, acquaintance...I've always been understanding when you've said no, I've always given an easy way out if things don't work out, I've always respected your no unconditionally without feeling the need to pressure you further...please do the same for me. Feeling guilty for saying no sucks and I would hate for you to feel that way because of me.

All my love and respect go into this request and affirmation...I just need to feel a little more free to be me.

So, I'm hormonal

Being almost 3 months pregnant will do that to a girl I suppose. I want to do everything in my power to make everyone happy...unfortunatley my powers are not very mighty at the moment. With naseau a constant companion, sleep deprivation due to an overly cranky, teething, tantrumy, newly-clingy 16 month old and just the usual 1st trimester hormone fest and energy drain, I'm spent. I'm done, dried up like last Thanksgiving's turkey (which I am happy to say I did not cook...come to think of it, I can't remember who did). Moving on.

A young man came up to the door tonight trying to sell this wonder cleaner...it was cool...it got out Sharpie ink from a towel, mildew on the driveway, made a spot on my redwood planter look like new again, my husband's chrome bumper sparkled and shined...then I had to tell the kid no. :o( Ugh, I wouldn't have let him go on so long, but he was on a role. He was a good salesman...I got a chuckle or two. I hope I didn't take up too much of his precious time...I hope someone down the road bought some more cleaner from him, he was trying to win a trip to Cancun. I wouldn't mind going to Cancun. I felt really bad saying no. Oh well.

I feel like it's been forever and I'm finally starting to take photos again. It's nice.

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for showing me the joy in everything around me. thank you for sharing your laughter and vitality. You've always shown me that life can be full no matter what your circumstances may be. Thank you.

Oh what a beautiful morning...

...oh what a beautiful day!

I took the picture above a couple years ago in downtown Sacramento. I just thought it was amazingly beautiful!!! And now, thanks to SMUD and the Sac Tree Foundation I get one of these very same trees for FREE to put in my front yard AND I get two red maple trees for FREE to put in my backyard! I'm in heaven!

Plus, I just picked up my Harry Potter book that the post office did not leave on my doorstep while I was gone this weekend which was a cause for great distress on Saturday afternoon!!!!!

But now, I've got my book and my baby's sleeping so I must go read. YAY!!! I'm almost sad to start this book since it's the last one...but who am I kidding that's not gonna stop me!!!! Bye!

It's been awhile...

I've been distracted with lots of stuff. But that's normal during the summer. There are so many family obligations and so many projects of my own that I can't help but feel the need to complete.

Let's see, I think I mentioned that I painted the front room and the hallway, but once we got back from the fantabulous trip to KC, I just couldn't help but think it was the perfect time to cheer myself up and paint my kitchen cabinets. They needed it!!!! They depressed me more than the KC trip. They were this dark wood color but some of the varnish had been stripped off from being wiped so much and it was impossible to tell if they were ever really clean...and since the kitchen itself is actually windowless, it was just this dark, depressing dungeon of a room that I just couldn't avoid as I am an avid cook and the kitchen is attached to the TV room. So it took a few looooooong days and some seriously hard work on my part to do it...but I did it!!! I was rewarded with a fabulous new kitchen that others have even inquired whether or not the cabinets had been completely replaced. Nope, just some swiss coffee paint and new handles and voila! I love my kitchen now.

Let's see, there have been a few birthdays, including Lily bug's. There was a trip or two to San Francisco. This weekend was a trip to my dad's to see my grand parents from Nebraska...boy was that wonderful. I miss them so much. They got to see Lily for the first time ever and Grandma was so great with her. I wish they could always be around!!! Never have I wished so much that I'd had my camera!!! I never used to forget my camera!!! :o(

The only thing about all this time away is that I haven't taken much time to do any type of artwork. There's occasional images swimming through my head but for the most part I'm on hiatus...mentally and physically I suppose.

But soon it's back to school and back to art and back to some peace and quiet!!!

homesickness...

...has seriously set in. I just can't wait to get back to my newly painted living room, kitchen and dining room, my art stuff, my kitchen with real utencils and pans, my washer and dryer, my bed, my cats, my plants, baby's toys, baby's crib, our own tub!!!! It's all calling to me. I need to get out of here!!!

I'm tired of hearing my ten other neighbor's toilets flush and their doors slam and the elevator doors opening and closing. I'm even tired of the maids that come in and invade my space. Who thought I'd ever get tired of having a maid????

I want to get back to the land where everyone moves twice as fast but still has time for a smile and a nice hello. Where people see you in a crosswalk and actually stop to allow you to cross the street. Where people politely hold open the door for a mother who's pushing a stroller with one hand and holding her child in the other.

I want to get back home, where, no matter how hot it is, you can still breath easily and never feel like you're breathing through mud. Where you're not a little nervous whenever those severe weather alerts pop up during the day...I'll gladly take an earthquake to a tornado anyday!!!!

I want to know that the ocean is only an hour or two away. I miss the ocean.

I can't wait for mine and bug's long walks along the river, where there are moments when all you hear are the birds, the rushing water and the wind rustling the leaves in the canopy of trees. Where the deer pop out of the brush unexpectedly to cross the trail in front of you...the wild turkey's gobbling with their babies and grazing in the grass, the squirrels darting from tree to tree, the beautiful cranes swooping low over the water.

I miss home.

I am a SAHM...BUUUUUUT

I don't define myself by my 'stay at home mom' status, but others apparently do. We are away from home, meeting some coworkers of my husbands from the company here and the question comes up of the other spouses "what do you do?" but no one seems to think to ask me. Somehow, it's been established that I'm a SAHM and I guess that should be it, right? That's what I do, that's who I am...but it's not. I guess I define myself most often as an artist. That's what I associate myself with, that's my identity...besides the other little quirks that make up my personality, and yes, somewhat I define myself as a SAHM...but I was an artist long before my daughter came along and I will remain an artist long after my daughter moves away from home.

I guess it's asking too much to expect people to see past the SAHM in me. I just feel a bit invisible under the definintion.

Inspiration

"Back off! This is my cake!"

Sometimes inspiration comes in the strangest of places. Last night my husband dressed Lily up in some cute little jammies that have ladybugs and flowers all over them and as I was rocking her to sleep, pictures of lady bugs and ants came popping into my head and finally rested on an image of the painting above. I'm really happy with it. :o)

IF - Signs

"Maybe This is a Sign"

This Friday's IF topic just happened to be "signs," which just happened to be my second painting idea using my four acrylic paints bought recently. So, I began the painting and suddenly realized that four colors weren't exactly going to work for this one and I had to go out and buy more...ah, well, what's a girl to do? No problem, I just get to paint more stuff with more color and I made sure that I bought some of my favorites since it may be a awhile until I shop for more.

I finished this one in good time so I have high hopes that I can finish the next soon too, though, we are going to be gone A LOT in the next four weeks. Perhaps even a two week trip to Kansas City for the hubbie's job. What's there to do in KC during the day with a 1 year old????

Yay!!

Woohoooo!!! I got an "A" in my web design class! That makes me so happy! With a few minor changes I think I'll have it up and running!

New Paint

I went out yesterday and bought some acrylic paint. I haven't painted with acrylic since high school. I can't believe how fast it dries. And I can't believe how much I paid for it. I thought for sure it would be less expensive than oils but the stuff I bought actually cost a little more. It's ok though, I'm excited to play with the colors I have and will gradually build my collection from there. I already have two ideas for illos in the works usind just my four colors. I began to play with idea one (as shown above) and I hope I can find the time to finish it by the end of next week so I can begin idea two!

Phew!

I finally finished my website for class!!! Yay! Now, perhaps I can REALLY finish it and find a good host and off I'll be...on my way...

I was looking through it last night thinking that I really like it and I really like all the artwork in it. Sometimes I think I just don't have enough artwork done yet, and I suppose I never really will. I'll always be working to get all those thoughts and images out of my head and on paper. Really, all I have left to do with the site is to put some stuff up for crafts and then update the images as I complete more stuff.

Currently I am in daydream mode. Our friend got a job in the Grass Valley area and Alex told him to keep a lookout for drafting positions at the new job. It turns out that one of their drafters is retiring and another is moving to a different position. So the company has to open the positions internally first and if there are no takers, they'll open them to the public. We have no idea if the pay would be right, if the job would be the right fit...but I started to look online at the area and some real estate, and wouldn't you know it...I promptly fell in love with a house up there. I'm trying to convince the hubby that we should go look at it. I want to see if the feeling is the same in person as it is online. It's hard to tell how you really feel about a house until you're standing in it. It's not the biggest, newest, most exciting house, but it has great features that are drawing me to it. Features that I always wanted but you could never get in the Valley. The huge yard, perfect for kids, with it's detatched garage AND workshop. The kitchen with a window AND a view, the location near a lake, hiking, biking, golfing (for the hub) and you can't beat smalltown charm and friendliness. I can pretty much make any house a home, but finding a home with nearby area amenities that suit you and your family is hard to do. So, aahhh, I'm just daydreaming...sigh.

Spiritual Fledgling

This photo was taken at the Carmel Mission Basilica, in Carmel, CA which my family and I visited on a lovely trip to Monterey, CA this past week. Wherein, I not only got to enjoy five beautiful days in one of my favorite locales, but I actually got to read a book...from front to back! WooHoo! I haven't had an opportunity to do that since my daughter was born and before that I was only interested in reading baby books during the months leading up to her birth. Had I only known, I would have taken full advantage of my free time!!!!

I was meant to read this book though. Not to sound hoaky, but I feel like it opened my eyes...wide. Up until this point, the thought of me being a religious person was laughable. I wasn't even ready to admit to a belief in God. I suppose my reluctance to accept religion was due to the fact that all I'd ever learned was Christianity, and it just didn't sit right with me. It was so out of place in my thought processes, I just kept thinking that religion and I were not meant to be friends.

I have to say though, it's my fault that I didn't pursue religion, or perhaps my correct term will be "spirituality". I had always meant to take a class on religion to determine if there were another path for me, but it never happened. That's ok, though, it caught up to me. This book was about a woman's journey to enlightenment...she made me laugh and even cry a little, but more importantly she showed me a spiritual path through meditation, and the knowledge that God is in you and you are in God. God has been there this whole time and I knew it, I just needed to find a way to connect. So, I will be taking a bit of a spiritual journey...from the comfort of my own home of course. As much as I'd love to travel to an Indian Ashram, I am a mom and I have responsibilities that tie me here. Plus, as excited as I am about the possibility of making this connection that I've longed for for so long now, I still have to walk the path to make sure it's the right one for me.

I have to say, it's pretty cool to be able discuss God and not want to hide from myself at such religious talk. There is no more stigma in God for me...or at least the stigma is all washing away as I build up my own ideas about spirituality.

Oh boy, now my mom-in-law can really start teasing me for being a hippie!!! :o)

IF - Fortune - Love Don't Cost a Thing

In this crazy world, where material objects are becoming ever more in demand we all need to remember that "Love Don't Cost a Thing." There is fortune to be found in those closest to us.

Rainy Days

Sometimes my rainiest days aren't rainy outside at all.

Laundry Girl Found

I used to hate it when my (now)in-laws used to call me laundry girl.

Before I met them, I used to come over to my then boyfriend-now husband's house to do laundry. It was better than trekking across the parking lot from my apartment back-and-forth, back-and-forth until I had all my loads of laundry done for the next week or two.

Plus, I think I saved the washing machines at my complex some real hard work...I mean, who want's to spend $5 for two loads of laundry when you can spend $2.50 by shoving in at least two loads worth at a time. Sure, the machines specifically say "do not overload," and you start to second guess yourself when they begin to squeak and groan and shimmy across the linoleum (who knew washing machines could walk?).

But I digress. Yes, before I met my inlaws, all they knew about me was that there was "some" girl coming over to their son's/brother's house to do laundry, and as my in-laws are known to do - they "dubbed me". At first I thought it was funny, then I started to get irritated as it continued to build up in hype among the in-laws.

But then, we met. I remember vaguely the first meeting. I could tell they were waiting for me to piss them off, do something to turn them off me but it didn't happen and we started to hang out more and they still liked me. They kept telling me that they saw what a great influence I was over my hubby. He seemed happier and he spent a little money instead of pinching every penny. We all hung-out and we partied but the clincher was when they met my dad Ken and his partner James. Forever, that sealed the deal. They're fun, they're fiesty, they drink, they dance, they make you laugh and for the first time, in both families, two families joined together as one.

It's rare for many in-laws to hang out and to even invite each other everywhere they go...but that's what happened and so, when "laundry girl" comes up nowadays it's with a bit of a laugh at the early days when everything was so new and everyone was waiting for the ball to drop but it seems we are all so lucky to be one big happy family. If this is what being dubbed is all about, I can handle being "laundry girl".