I love puzzles, I love working through them and coming to a soultion. I like knowing the "who, what, when, where, why and how" to all things, yes I know it is not possible to know everything about everything, I still try though. It comes down to control. I like being in control, not freakishly so, I just like knowing that I can change something whenever I want. This I cannot change. Not one eensie, weensie, little tiny fraction of a bit. That is a tough pill to swallow.
I have had strange images coming into my head lately...the one above being one of them. I did not understand it's signifigance until I was drawing it...drawing it was amazing for me, it made me feel calm (art is awesome!). I see the blue at the bottom as my life before diagnosis, a bit wavy with some swells to deal with and the red is post diagnosis, when everything became a struggle in my head. No matter what I was focused on there was anguish beacause I did not now how to deal with my diagnosis. And now that's me, the blue dot, sitting atop the precipice. One way down (to the right) is into despair, anguish, frustration and ultimate bitterness...it's rather blah don't you think? The other way (to the left) is light, joy, humor, happiness, and the ability to live my life with acceptance for the things that I cannot change. Luckily in the drawing I am leaning more toward the left. I have felt my grief building, I have felt my anguish over the uncontrolable bubbling up, ready to explode, and now I just have to choose to accept it. This is where I am at.
