Free Love

coffee and acrylic paint on watercolor paper

This is what my heart feels like at times now. The greatest thing is that I realize that I can allow...even force my heart to feel this way anytime I want. This week I have been down and out with a pretty bad cold...fever, chills, head and chest congestion...not so much fun. It's difficult to force your heart into this loving place when your head feels like it's about to melt into a pool on your chest and your chest feels like tendrils of fire are streaking through it with each cough. So, I just tried to keep my heart light and open for the sake of my daughter since papa is trying to save vacation time for the new baby's arrival. It did me good...my patience may have been a tad short at times but I felt that was to be expected. I'm so thankful that no one else has gotten sick.

I ventured out to the grocery store for the first time this week and I could tell that my mood was no good and it reflected in the events that unfolded around me in the grocery store. As I was ready to pull out of the parking lot to go home, I began to cry about my horrible experience and immediately recognized that I had brought it all on myself. I went into the store with an ugly attitude and ugly attitude was what seemed to come back to me. So, with this recognition I stopped crying and vowed not to rehash each little incident that had occured during that visit. I began to back out of my parking space, very aware of the other cars around me, but somehow I missed the girl who sped up behind me...thankfully I didn't hit her car, but she did startle me and I slammed the brakes and cursed...which was promptly repeated by my daughter...ooops (I can laugh now). I realized that this could fowl up my resolution and I vowed to forget about this incident too. So, now I can take a rational look and understand that these happenings were minor incidents and did not have to have any further affect on my day and while I can still recall some of them in my mind at this moment...I won't remember them tomorrow, so why let them affect me today?

I went on to have a super productive day and an amazing evening with my family.

So, when rotten things are happening, just remember that you can free your heart in any moment of funk and simply release the negative energy that is clouding your day, your moment, your life...

The Path

coffee and acrylic paint on watercolor paper

There are times when I need a path. Times, when I feel down, maybe even a little more than I'd like to admit. Inevitably I go searching for a path and like magic, it appears, which is what inspired this illo.

The path I'm on right now is making me the happiest I can EVER remember being...just doing what I love, making things easy on myself and just knowing that happiness is not hard to come by...I feel like I don't even have to work hard to find it...it just is.

Some Serious Whys???

This is definitely self-indulgent but I'm having a hard couple of days...I'm feeling super creative and yet stuck and frustrated and it's bringing out feelings that I wish would just go away. So, perhaps if I throw them out into the abyss I might get some answers someday...

1. Why do I feel so depressed?
2. Why can't I just be happy staying at home?
3. Why do I get angry and snap at my daughter for the things I know are little?
4. Why do I feel so unoriginal?
5. Why can't I love without causing anyone else anger or frustration?
6. Why can't I just stay organized?
7. Why can't I stop judging and criticizing myself?
8. Why do I jump from project to project without always finishing?
9. Why am I so interested in other's accomplishments and still think that I can't have my own?
10. and finally...why have I lost my sense of humor?

I want so badly to pull myself up and reassure myself that these things are either not true or if true then completely normal and easily changed if I take small steps...so I guess that's my goal this weekend. It looks as though we will have family visiting most of the weekend so that should be great. I think I'll grab more books from the library and let the grandparents hang out with Lily while I veg out and get creative.

Reuse

I've had some book binding supplies and papers just sitting around from my horrendous trip to KC in June and sometime early last year my husband brought home this mail sorter that his office was no longer using, which basically consisted of a box that had these thin but strong shelves that slid into place (I kept the shelves, the box took up too much room)...so, to make a short story long, I decided I wanted to put it all together and make myself a pretty box.

I cut down two of the little shelves for the sides and just kept the other three pieces the size they were already and using book cloth tape I assembled the box (after several attempts which were thwarted by my daughter). I then proceeded to decorate it with some paper I thought was pretty. I know making boxes out of book binding materials isn't exactly a new concept, you can buy kits, but I'm really excited to be able to put some materials to use that would have just eventually been tossed. The box is super sturdy too and a decent size, probably 8.5" by 12". I haven't decided if I'll keep it for some of my art supplies or use it to house Lily's smaller books. In the end I'll probably keep it for myself. I may even make another one since I still have enough supplies to go around and lots of pretty paper too!!! Here it is...



...there is something to be said for making something all by myself and using materials that have just been laying around. I didn't want to copy instructions or buy expensive materials, I just wanted to make it work!!! And I did! There are a few flaws which I won't point out but it was definitely a fun learning experience...and I think it will have to be entered into my creative journal. I think more reuse project are in order!!! I have so much STUFF hanging around that just begs to be put to use!

Happy New Year!!!

I'm so glad for the holdays to be over. The only part that I'm sad about is that Alex has to return to work tomorrow after being home since December 22nd. Him being home was fabulous! The holidays weren't too stressful this year. With Lily being a little older we were able to travel without any big to-dos. Plus, we've been home since Christmas just doing STUFF. All in all though we've had some pretty rough days with BAD things happening and Christmas didn't pan out quite the way we thought it would...I'm just chalking it up to the year 2007 being our year to give more than we got. By far Lily had a great Christmas and has loved every minute of being together with mom and dad and I think that's what matters most.

I'm looking forward to 2008. I'm looking forward to a blessed year with some wonderful happenings. We have a new baby coming and who couldn't be excited about that?!?! Lily will have a little sister soon and I pray that she takes it all in stride. I think she'll be a great big sister, though it may take her some time to adjust to a baby that can't interact and play for awhile. Even with the baby coming I plan to step up my creative pursuits...perhaps it's because I'm turning 30 this year...a thought that simultaneously makes my heart leap with excitement while my face cringes. 30 is just another number but it still stands for something...I'm not where I want to be and haven't accomplished as much as I would like yet but I've always loved the thought of getting older. I feel more comfortable with myself...I have nothing to prove, I don't have to be beautiful, I don't have to appear accomplished to others, I don't have to pretend to be anyone but me, I just have to make ME happy. My husand, children and extended family help make me happy, my creativity makes me happy, the goals and objectives that I have set for myself make me happy (a little fearful too, but all new pursuits are like that). This year I'm starting off small, with a journal which I hope will lead to many exciting, nurturing and friutful experiences (yes, I believe a journal can do that)...



Here's to creativity and happy journaling!!! Happy New Year!!!

The Difference is Amazing

I'm still amazed that I'm having another baby. I can hardly believe it. I mean, we were trying...we made the decision and it happened...right away. So, I shouldn't be surprised right? Yet I still am.

Maybe what's really the most surprising is that I'm so disconnected from this pregnancy. I guess with the first one there was so much anticipation from the start. Everything was brand new and waiting to be experienced. I read every day, I watched those birthing shows, I tracked my progress on line. With this one, from the moment we found out, it already felt like "let's hurry up and wait." But I don't have time to wait. I have too much to keep me busy to even feel like I'm waiting. Too busy to read, my todller hates me to be on the computer...so no progress tracking, and cartoons are definitely more in line with this viewing audience.

It's so strange, every once in a while I'll think, "hey I feel like crap because I'm pregnant"..."oh yeah, that's right I AM pregnant." Then there are the times when Lily wants to use me as a trampoline and I have to deflect her from stomping on my belly and squishing baby. Alex and I don't talk that much about baby. We're generally discussing things like how Lily finally said "all done" after dinner tonight, our holiday plans, etc. Poor little baby.

I DO realize that this will change...this feeling of disconnect. Once I really feel the baby's movements, once I can't go on a two hour road trip without stopping to pee, once I'm nearing the size of a house, once my stupid feet start swelling (my personal favorite...nothing like making a woman who already feels fat feel worse).

It would be nice to be spoiled the same this time around as I was before...I mean I still get the, "babe, let me get that, it's heavy," but the REAL spoiling comes now when daddy takes care of Lily and mommy gets a little break. I can handle that.

I can't wait to feel baby and really start that fabulous connection that I know is waiting there. It'll all become more real too when we find out boy or girl in December. I cried when I found out we were having a girl the first time around...I wonder what will happen this time???

Deep Breaths

I can't remember the last time I was this relaxed. Alex has been home since noon on Friday. We've been taking turns with bug. I've been able to nap and pause to take deep cleansing breaths.

Lily loves it too. She's never given so many kisses. It's too cute...when she gives me one, she has to go to papa and give him one as well. I think I got a total of three today and five yesterday. Which is probably more that the total amount of kisses I've gotten from her since she began giving them. She's been difficult lately, she's very head-strong and starting her tantrum phase, but those kisses melt me and I feel like we can start over fresh. She's also talking amzingly well. She even said "hi momma" and waved to me when I walked in to see how her bath was going last night. That was amazing.

It's been so great to stick around the house while Alex has been off. Most of the time we travel for a vacation, but this staying home was much needed...I feel as if I've had completely new experiences in what is generally such a routine environment for Lily and I. We've gone driving each day, partially to explore and partially to get Lily to sleep. We've discovered and rediscovered new and wonderful coffee shops and we've enjoyed each other more than we have in a long time. It's so easy to become disconnected with so many responsibilities. Tomorrow is the last day off, but it's been so great, I'm looking forward to the next relaxing vacation.