I Reseve the Right

fyi...I revised this post...I originally meant it as more of an affirmation for myself, something to give me strength, courage and encouragement but it came off a little more angry than I meant...so here goes try #2...

From this moment forward, I reserve the right to say NO.

I free myself from feelings of obligation. I free myself from feelings of guilt. Husband, child, family member, friend, acquaintance...I've always been understanding when you've said no, I've always given an easy way out if things don't work out, I've always respected your no unconditionally without feeling the need to pressure you further...please do the same for me. Feeling guilty for saying no sucks and I would hate for you to feel that way because of me.

All my love and respect go into this request and affirmation...I just need to feel a little more free to be me.

So, I'm hormonal

Being almost 3 months pregnant will do that to a girl I suppose. I want to do everything in my power to make everyone happy...unfortunatley my powers are not very mighty at the moment. With naseau a constant companion, sleep deprivation due to an overly cranky, teething, tantrumy, newly-clingy 16 month old and just the usual 1st trimester hormone fest and energy drain, I'm spent. I'm done, dried up like last Thanksgiving's turkey (which I am happy to say I did not cook...come to think of it, I can't remember who did). Moving on.

A young man came up to the door tonight trying to sell this wonder cleaner...it was cool...it got out Sharpie ink from a towel, mildew on the driveway, made a spot on my redwood planter look like new again, my husband's chrome bumper sparkled and shined...then I had to tell the kid no. :o( Ugh, I wouldn't have let him go on so long, but he was on a role. He was a good salesman...I got a chuckle or two. I hope I didn't take up too much of his precious time...I hope someone down the road bought some more cleaner from him, he was trying to win a trip to Cancun. I wouldn't mind going to Cancun. I felt really bad saying no. Oh well.

I feel like it's been forever and I'm finally starting to take photos again. It's nice.

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for showing me the joy in everything around me. thank you for sharing your laughter and vitality. You've always shown me that life can be full no matter what your circumstances may be. Thank you.

Oh what a beautiful morning...

...oh what a beautiful day!

I took the picture above a couple years ago in downtown Sacramento. I just thought it was amazingly beautiful!!! And now, thanks to SMUD and the Sac Tree Foundation I get one of these very same trees for FREE to put in my front yard AND I get two red maple trees for FREE to put in my backyard! I'm in heaven!

Plus, I just picked up my Harry Potter book that the post office did not leave on my doorstep while I was gone this weekend which was a cause for great distress on Saturday afternoon!!!!!

But now, I've got my book and my baby's sleeping so I must go read. YAY!!! I'm almost sad to start this book since it's the last one...but who am I kidding that's not gonna stop me!!!! Bye!

It's been awhile...

I've been distracted with lots of stuff. But that's normal during the summer. There are so many family obligations and so many projects of my own that I can't help but feel the need to complete.

Let's see, I think I mentioned that I painted the front room and the hallway, but once we got back from the fantabulous trip to KC, I just couldn't help but think it was the perfect time to cheer myself up and paint my kitchen cabinets. They needed it!!!! They depressed me more than the KC trip. They were this dark wood color but some of the varnish had been stripped off from being wiped so much and it was impossible to tell if they were ever really clean...and since the kitchen itself is actually windowless, it was just this dark, depressing dungeon of a room that I just couldn't avoid as I am an avid cook and the kitchen is attached to the TV room. So it took a few looooooong days and some seriously hard work on my part to do it...but I did it!!! I was rewarded with a fabulous new kitchen that others have even inquired whether or not the cabinets had been completely replaced. Nope, just some swiss coffee paint and new handles and voila! I love my kitchen now.

Let's see, there have been a few birthdays, including Lily bug's. There was a trip or two to San Francisco. This weekend was a trip to my dad's to see my grand parents from Nebraska...boy was that wonderful. I miss them so much. They got to see Lily for the first time ever and Grandma was so great with her. I wish they could always be around!!! Never have I wished so much that I'd had my camera!!! I never used to forget my camera!!! :o(

The only thing about all this time away is that I haven't taken much time to do any type of artwork. There's occasional images swimming through my head but for the most part I'm on hiatus...mentally and physically I suppose.

But soon it's back to school and back to art and back to some peace and quiet!!!

homesickness...

...has seriously set in. I just can't wait to get back to my newly painted living room, kitchen and dining room, my art stuff, my kitchen with real utencils and pans, my washer and dryer, my bed, my cats, my plants, baby's toys, baby's crib, our own tub!!!! It's all calling to me. I need to get out of here!!!

I'm tired of hearing my ten other neighbor's toilets flush and their doors slam and the elevator doors opening and closing. I'm even tired of the maids that come in and invade my space. Who thought I'd ever get tired of having a maid????

I want to get back to the land where everyone moves twice as fast but still has time for a smile and a nice hello. Where people see you in a crosswalk and actually stop to allow you to cross the street. Where people politely hold open the door for a mother who's pushing a stroller with one hand and holding her child in the other.

I want to get back home, where, no matter how hot it is, you can still breath easily and never feel like you're breathing through mud. Where you're not a little nervous whenever those severe weather alerts pop up during the day...I'll gladly take an earthquake to a tornado anyday!!!!

I want to know that the ocean is only an hour or two away. I miss the ocean.

I can't wait for mine and bug's long walks along the river, where there are moments when all you hear are the birds, the rushing water and the wind rustling the leaves in the canopy of trees. Where the deer pop out of the brush unexpectedly to cross the trail in front of you...the wild turkey's gobbling with their babies and grazing in the grass, the squirrels darting from tree to tree, the beautiful cranes swooping low over the water.

I miss home.

I am a SAHM...BUUUUUUT

I don't define myself by my 'stay at home mom' status, but others apparently do. We are away from home, meeting some coworkers of my husbands from the company here and the question comes up of the other spouses "what do you do?" but no one seems to think to ask me. Somehow, it's been established that I'm a SAHM and I guess that should be it, right? That's what I do, that's who I am...but it's not. I guess I define myself most often as an artist. That's what I associate myself with, that's my identity...besides the other little quirks that make up my personality, and yes, somewhat I define myself as a SAHM...but I was an artist long before my daughter came along and I will remain an artist long after my daughter moves away from home.

I guess it's asking too much to expect people to see past the SAHM in me. I just feel a bit invisible under the definintion.