Me Challenge #1

I've spent nearly two years doing some down and dirty soul searching. I suppose we are all doing a bit of that everyday...but I finally wanted some solid answers...some epiphany to tell me why I feel and act the way I do.

Well, I have finally found my epiphany and it is this...there are no answers...and that's a good thing...because with that I have gained an amazing sense of freedom. I make my own answers. I make my life happy or sad or full of anger and resentment. I hide myself away or share ME with the world. I reflect my personal feelings on those around me and shut them out/shut them down, or I allow them to shout in joy or whisper in contentment to me and anyone else with an open heart just who they are.

I've known for a long time that my general M.O. is that I am a one-woman machine. I can do it all on my own...I don't need any help from anyone.

I don't know where this stems from. I'm sure I could go through hours of therapy to figure it out, but why bother? I have accepted that this has been my personality for years and years now. I also accept that this has placed me in a steel box...a self-imprisonment if you will. It has effectively shut out others...people who could have been good, even great friends.

I find that I have already softened my position on this when it comes to family. Since the birth of my daughter I have had to accept that I can't do it all on my own. I really had no other option since my husband's family does everything together...which, i admit, was hugely foreign to me in the beggining. Instead of fighting it though, I allowed it. I love our family, I love the help and togetherness they offer and I just sit back and laugh at the squabbles that appear! They always work themselves out and every member of the family knows how lucky they are to have such an open support network.

I have decided to start challenging myself each month. Even writing this I can feel the fear trying to hold me back...it's almost physical in it's strength. One step at a time though and I know it won't be nearly as hard as it seems in this moment and the rewards will be wonderful.

My challenge this month is to start asking my friends for their help. Simple? Not for me. But in time I hope it will be. I hope to forge strong friendships in the future...no more skimming the surface and keeping my distance. I hope in turn they know they can come to me and rely on me when they need it as well. Some of our friends don't have the family support that my husband and I have and I want to build a strong community of support for us all to share.